Where has he gone?

Like a message in a bottle thrown out at sea, I scribble my thoughts to a man that no longer exists. Where is he, the man I fell so in love with? Where did he go? Why did he leave me? How did it happen?
Carl you got lost. Please come back to me. Find your way back home.
You are the first thing I see when I open my eyes and the last when I lay at the end of the day. I see you but you are no longer there. Your flesh remains the same but your heart is changed.
What was once a romantic, kind, thoughtful and gentle man now exists a hard, cruel, abusive and indifferent man who does not care. Certainly, we like all others, have challenges but our story is different, for you have gone. And so it is. Day by day, minute by minute I struggle to hang on in hopes that the man I fell in love with comes back to me but I am loosing my grip and falling. The man who others used to say, "God he loves you, look how he looks at you, he just wants to make you happy, he can't stop touching you" now whisper "what is he doing to you, how can he say such things, what is wrong with him".
My wish: before this relationship dies and can no longer be saved, I pray that you come back.

LINKED PATHS MERGING

The day has arrived and my Somebody has decided to link his life and merge with mine. No longer will it be his life or my life; in three days it will be our life. He made the decision to quit his job, pack up his belongings, settle his finances, finalize his divorce and begin a full and new life with me. And so it is, my Carl is coming home for good and moving in this upcoming Friday. Some might scratch their head and wonder while others open their arms and embrace him, our love for one another and me. Either way we both are taking a big risk but as Paulo Coelho once said "You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen." So here I stand at this crossroad in my life and I am living fully, taking risks and allowing the unexpected to happen. In doing so I am preventing a death of a life half lived. So my dear Carl I say this to you...be true to yourself as I will always do the same. Make sure you truly love ME. Never get comfortable or complacent in our life together or our relationship. Never take me for granted. Always communicate fully, openly, forthcoming and honestly with me. Forgive me if I ever hurt you. Honor and respect me. And love me unconditionally. For these are but a few things I will do for you.

His View

The day arrived early and coffee was needed. A new begening had begun and much work lay ahead. Im feeling a grand feeling of freedom and openness as I sort thru what is needed and what is not. I dont have much but my heart for francine is huge and I am so looking forward to life with her, her family, our life. I have totally giving myself, my new self to her an am anxious to see the creation we build. As we form our life the picture will unfold to show the world who we are and what we've made.

He said it out loud...marriage, wedding, dates and places

Wow..my Somebody actually proposed to me again this week, unofficially that is. Besides uttering these important words to me, he proclaimed his intentions to a previous co-worker. How could I have imagined this a month ago, a year ago a decade ago? It is believable and unimaginable at the same time! So now I am left to wonder...when is this man of mine going to kneel down on one knee with a beautiful ring in his hand and officially ask me to spend the rest of my life with him? I eagerly await the surprise but cannot help but wonder. Will he propose on my birthday, while we are in Seattle or San Francisco or just an ordinary weekend together? I surrender to the surprise.

Home

It's not the home that I love, but the life that is lived there... wise words from Elsie De Wolfe.

This, in love 42 year old woman, wishes that her Somebody could come HOME every night of the week! How naive was I to think that each week our separation would become easier and easier. How very wrong I was! This week was the worst separation yet. Sleepless nights laying on the floor, puddles of tears, heartache so painful my body hurt and yearning so vast that I could not bare to sleep in our bed without him. My heart has not ached and my eyes have not cried so deeply since the death of my brother.

Logically my mind understands that Carl is only two and a half hours away and is not going off to war. I also understand that he will be back the following weekend. I am a reasonable and intelligent woman however my heart has a different opinion in the matter. My heart cries, aches and longs for him to be here. My heart has known no love like this. My heart has waited for him for decades. My heart dreams of the day when he, my Somebody, walks through the door after a day at work and greets me with a smile, hug and kiss.

Until that day, I will try to hang on, be brave and be grateful for the time we share.

He Said - Thoughts Abroad

HE SAID...
Some people communicate their thoughts extremely well, while others have a more difficult time conveying thoughts into spoken words. What ever the reason, things are not said at the moment meant for them. This is not to say they aren't thought or felt at some time and still do, but memory plays a huge part on the selection of words from thought. I know what I want to say but when it spews out even I'm not sure what I was thinking, them forgotten. Probably gone are the memories of the few spoken words that had a significant meaning or purpose, at that particular moment. But new ones always come so as long as my mind is still senile, heck, maybe even then, new meaningful words and ideas will come. All for Francine. Can I name the things I love about Francine? See above! I do know out of the billions of things that make us up, there are none I do not love. No one is perfect but we still love the imperfections others feel they have. Francine says I'm perfect which I am not but those imperfections I see in myself, she still loves. What ever each of us feel about ourselves, someone sees us as perfect. I adore Francine for the person she is in life, the feelings and emotions she feels. Her hair. Her Nose. Her face and everything else. We all under go changes throughout our lives, "under construction" as I call it, so what is today will not be tomorrow. Francine is as beautiful to me today as she will be tomorrow. " I was just brilliant in training until you came along". Carl A Hill

Coffee and Conversation

At the dawn of a new day, one my favorite things to share with my Somebody is a warm soothing cup of coffee and conversation. It is something I look forward to each visit with him. How is it that something so simple can connect two souls together like that...a beverage and words? Perhaps its the simple beauty or the slow soft welcoming of a new day or maybe even the intimacy shared. I don't know exactly but this little ritual is something I shall cherish forever. It is new to me and I want to hold it sacred as if it were a fine piece of porcelain china. Yes, Carl and I have already shared many luxurious and big moments together and they have been BEAUTIFUL. But lets not forget all the simple little things that really make a relationship. It has been a long axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. Its the little moments that make life BIG!

So today, Friday, the most glorious day of the week; my Somebody is on his way home. Meet me for coffee in the kitchen my love.